The Predicament of the ‘Spoiled Brat’

Nowadays, we notice an increase in the number of kids who have adopted a behavior which makes them earn the label “spoiled brat” or one who is treated by his parents with too much lenience and looseness that exceeds the acceptable boundaries of discipline.  There is no doubt that it is a natural behavior for parents to love and adore their children and shower them with affection especially at an early age.  Often times, parents find it difficult to say “no” to their child or find it hard to maintain that “no” patiently.  For example, a child may ask to play with a certain item which we deem as unfit or inappropriate to play with and we respond in the negative to them.  But then they enter a tantrum fit and overreact and may even hurt themselves in order to grab your attention and make you yield to their desire.  So the parent gives in after two or three attempts of yelling since they don’t have time to deal with more of the same nagging and screaming which the child does.  They are preoccupied with thoughts of their work, business, family matters, and other various issues which seem more important than giving in to a child’s insistent request.
What is the end result of consistent and continuous surrender to a nagging child who gets their way most of the time regardless of what it is?  What is the product of a parent who loses patience with their kid and ceases to discipline them strongly?  What are the consequences of a parent who is weak and does not draw red lines that shouldn’t be crossed by their children?  It is none other than finding ourselves in front of a “spoiled brat” who experiences this disease that is not limited to his young age.  Rather, it is a spirit and behavior which continues from the age of a toddler till adulthood.  Thus we find the reflections of a spoiled brat translating into an adolescent kid who refuses to listen to his mother or father.  Rather, he adopts the policy of “I don’t care” and “this is my life and I can do whatever I want”.  These spoiled children do not recognize the difference between a no and a yes, red versus green lines, and the boundaries which they must respect and adhere to.  When they experience peer pressure from their friends in school, they may choose to smoke or deal with drugs, make girlfriends, or engage in forbidden activities which Islam prohibits.  When the parent steps their foot down to stop them, the teen rudely rejects the parent’s advice and they rebel with arrogance and without fear.  Hence, the young kid treads a corrupted life where he makes wrong decisions that may be costly in the long run.
Now the question is: How do we avoid raising a “spoiled brat” and how do we make sure that our own kids do not end up extracting this irreversible behavioral disease? Many adults naturally lean towards slapping or hitting their children for quick results without fully understanding the consequences of our time. The best and hardest way to deal with the situation is to educate and/or negotiate with the child.  For example, if the child does not want to do his or her homework and just wants to play, we can try to explain the importance of homework and maybe entice them with a reward.  Also, there is nothing wrong with being stern to instill values and discipline. Sometimes being stern is important to avoid spoiling the child.  Now, occasionally, punishment must be used, such as in last resort cases.  However, in Islam, there are guidelines that should be followed. Imam Ali (AS) said to raise your child with patience and never beat him more than five times. (Jalali)
It is imperative for the members of the family to recognize their individual roles and duties.  Who is the key person in the family responsible for the undesired outcome of having spoiled children?  At first thought we rush to say it is both parents who are responsible for their child’s disobedient and stubborn behavior.  But in reality, the key person responsible for drawing the red lines and implementing them in a consistent manner is the father!  It is known that mothers, due to their soft nature, are the ones who suckle their children with compassion and kindness and this factor is indeed important for the child to feel loved and cared for such that his/her emotional needs are met.  Deficiency in receiving love and kindness may very well lead to the child growing with emotional conflicts later on in life which may translate into acts of aggression or violence.
As for the father, his role is unique and extremely important because he is the authority of the household, not only on the children.  He must be the one who draws the red lines and boundaries which the children must not cross over at any time for any excuse.  The characteristics of a successful father is one who is strong and strict at the moments where he needs to be firm, while he is compassionate at the instances where compassion is needed.  The child should be raised to know his limits and have a healthy level of “fear” and consideration from the authority of the house reflected in their parents such that they gain the benefits of discipline from an early age.
The policy of reward and punishment is commonly used by parents to teach their kids the right from wrong.  However, some parents over-do it when it comes to reward while they fail to implement proper punishment.  They may shower their kids extravagantly with gifts for a simple good behavior that deserves a simple treat.  But when it comes to a wrong behavior that needs appropriate admonition and castigation done in a healthy manner, the child may only get a slap on the wrist and walk away while forgetting the lesson of right from wrong.  That is where the correct balance of reward-punishment system must be maintained by the parents in a consistent manner.
Sometimes we observe children who nag for something repeatedly and when the father steps his foot down to indicate “no”, the child cries and runs to their mother because they know they are the source of kindness and compassion and they succeed in getting what they want because the mother yields in.  This is wrong behavior and the parents should keep consistent with their policies and not override the word of the other.  Otherwise, children are very smart in identifying the weak party from the strong, and the lack of alignment in parental policy.
It must be noted that when it comes to raising “spoiled brats” it is even a more serious problem when it comes to girls because a girl who grows up learning to live the life of one who gets all that she wants whenever she wants without listening to the sources of authority, will end up not only hurting herself but also others.  That is because she grows up to become a wife and mother, she will fail to adhere to the boundaries of a wife and she will further produce more spoiled brats just like herself.  Her failures may very well result in divorce in the long run which not only affects her but also has a negative effect on her children.
Spoiling a child creates weakness and a lack of will and determination.  These children have expectations that the rest of society will, like their parents, comfort them and carry out their wishes no matter what, without any questions. When they realise that people will not only not do this, but may also ridicule these expectations, they become upset and feel humiliated. Such experiences form the base of contempt and make them angry and aggressive.  They become the type of people who think low of others and treat them with harsh words and actions. The parents will be the first ones accountable for the ill behaviour of their children, hence, it is wise and best to address this issue at a very early age before their kids adopt a way of life that is unhealthy and have negative effects to themselves and to those whom they interact with.

Written by Jerrmein Abu Shahba

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